Improving

My week has gotten considerably better. The funeral for my uncle will be next weekend and I have made arrangements to travel up north for the funeral. 

I have not binged this week. Yesterday I could feel the “want” to binge coming on, but I did not give in. 

My employer has a rather robust wellness program. This week they announced that they will be footing the bill for a 12-week comprehensive nutrition and weight loss program run by certified nutritionists. I’m a little skeptical, but I figure what could it hurt. I have my body composition analyzed on Tuesday, but the actual program doesn’t start until mid-March. 

I had my second training run tonight. It was tougher than the first but I finished it!!  

   
My husband is taking me running shoe shopping on Saturday for Valentines Day. I’ve already selected which ones I want we just need to purchase them. 

I am a little worried about the weekend. The weekend seems to be a time that makes it easier to binge. 

Mondays 

This has by far been one of the worst Monday’s I have had in awhile. I am not going to go into great detail, but just about everything that could go wrong today has. 

My dad called me over lunch to let me know that my uncle (my mom’s brother) died from a heart attack this morning. 

He called me while I was stopping at home “quick” to let he guys that are finishing the drywall in our basement into our house (we are in the middle of a basement project – building a bedroom, office, and bathroom in our unfinished basement). I had no time to spare. Then when I got in my van to head back to work the garage door wouldn’t shut. It still won’t shut. 

After work I was able to sneak in my first 5k training run. My ankles and heels were screaming at me the entire time, but I got it done. I think I need new running shoes.  

 
Then I had parent teacher conferences for child #1 and then run back home with about 10 minutes to spare before it was time for parent teacher conferences for child #2. On the way to the second round of conferences I narrowly missed being in a head on collision with someone driving on the wrong side of the highway. 

My nerves are on high alert and I am extremely emotional right now, BUT I DID NOT BINGE. Honestly I can hardly believe it. It was almost like I was too busy to even be tempted by it. I’m not saying that is the answer, but I will take this small victory. 

There were some other important lessons learned today, but I am saving those for another blog post later this week after I’ve had some time to process everything that has happened today. 

I hope you all had a good start to the week. Tuesday has got to be an improvement!!

My Van

It may be a little strange writing about my van on this blog, but it came to me this afternoon while listening to a podcast. The discussion was about breaking the binge patterns and it occurred to me that A LOT of my binges occur in my van.

My van does not lie. It can almost with 100% accuracy tell if I have been on a binge. I have a 45 minute commute each morning and when in a binge I will stop for some sugar laden goodies in the morning to stuff my face as I am driving. I don’t want to bring this trash into work, so the “evidence” of my binge usually stays in my van until I clean it out.

This thought occurred to me this weekend while I was in the middle of my binge, but I didn’t think much of it until this afternoon. In an attempt to break this binge cycle I am going to stop eating in the van. That doesn’t mean that I can’t carry food in my van until I reach my destination, but by not eating in the van will take some of the secrecy out of the food I would normally consume in the van.

 

Heartfelt Gratitude

I wanted to thank everyone who graciously commented on my last post. I was very disappointed in myself last night and the out pouring of support was very touching. Today was much better. I was able to break my bingeing cycle and tracked all of my foods. I am even going to the gym tonight. These are all things I did not do in the past couple of days.

Struggle.

I have been quiet over the past few days. I have stumbled big time and I am very disappointed in myself. Since Saturday at lunch I have stumbled into several days of overeating and periodic bingeing. I have not tracked my food. I have not exercised. As a result these feeling of regret and anger are swirling around me. Why is this such a real problem for me?

I feel that the time has come for some external help. I am trying to use this blog as a way to provide some level of accountability. However, I think I need something more of a reciprocal accountability. Meaning, if I go quiet I think I need someone to check in on me and keep me accountable. I have looked into OA, but the times and locations for the meetings do not work out with my schedule. So, I have been contemplating joining TOPs. I just feel like I need some in person accountability.

Is there anyone out there who has struggled with binge eating/emotional overeating and has had success in conquering it without the use of weight loss surgery? I would really like to hear your story. Even if it is just a comment below. I am feeling a little hopeless right now. Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with food?

Success!

Today is Thursday January 28th, 2016 and I have been binge free for 7 days. This also marks one week since I decided to start this blog. Thank you to everyone who has read, followed, and liked my posts. It is a little nudge of encouragement that tells me that this was the right move. If I can give even one person encouragement and inspiration from this blog, the whole thing is worth it to me.

One week may not seem like a very big milestone for some people, but for me getting to the 1-week point is a big deal. In the past six months or so I have been able to focus on an eating plan for about 4-5 days or so and then I would binge. Rinse and repeat. An even bigger deal will be when I hit 14 days.

This is what success has looked like for me this week:

  1. I have started tracking all of my food. I have not been overly strict with my calorie allowance, but everything I eat I am tracking. I am using My Fitness Pal, so if you’re on there feel free to look me up (sarabeth414).
  2. I have navigated through two work related lunches, an office birthday, and a meal out with friends. The meal with friends was pizza, so I feel like I get bonus points for not bingeing on pizza.
  3. I have cut back drastically on my one extremely hard to kick habit – Diet Coke. This week I have averaged about one can every other day. Which is quite the reduction from several diet cokes a day. It would not be uncommon for me to not consume any water in the day and my only liquid consumption would be Diet Coke.
  4. Speaking of water, I am drinking it….a lot of it. I think I am getting extra activity just by going to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so. I have a large 30 oz cup that I keep at my desk at work. I like a lot of ice, so I am guessing each time I fill that cup up it is 24 oz. I try to fill it up 3 times during my work day.
  5. I have been consistent with my physical activity. I took one day off this week and that day off I feel like my body really needed. Lately my heels and my calves have been bothering me when running on the treadmill and doing the elliptical/arc trainer. I am going to get into a habit of stretching; however, I think it might be more related to my shoes that are now a year old and probably need replacing

In addition to being binge free for a week I have also lost 5 pounds. This is kind of unreal to me. I am NOT cutting back big time on calories (1930 per day), but this is a similar weight loss number that I would see when I was eating 1200-1400 calories a day. I am really trying to not become a slave to the scale again, but the weight loss is a goal that I have and I think that a scale can be a tool used in weight loss.

I am excited for my success this far and am excited to build upon the foundation that has been set.

Running

My husband runs. He has not always been a runner, but started running in January 2015 and fell in love with it. In 2015 he started running races. It started with a 5K, then he progressed to running some 10Ks and then finally a half marathon in November.

Last night we went out to dinner with a big group of his running friends from work and we had a great time. They are a very inclusive group of people and very non-judgemental. All running abilities are captured within this group of runners – everything from 5Ks to ultra marathoners.

I have had a love-hate relationship with running over the past 4 years or so. I really really want to be a runner. Though I have had issues with plantar fasciitis that has interrupted progress in the past. Combine that with moderate asthma and my inconsistent nutrition has resulted in very little consistent progress.

Well, I bit the bullet about a week ago and signed up for a 5K in April. My husband will be running a half marathon that same day. I have a lot of work to do in my training over the next 2 1/2 months or so, but I am confident I will finish. I may be walking and running the 5k, but I will finish.

Today is January 23rd, 2016 and I have been binge free for two days. This morning I went to the gym and ran 3.1 miles on the treadmill in 55:00 minutes or so. My goal is to finish the 5k in about 45:00 minutes. So, I have a lot of work to do. I am very optimistic that I will make great progress between now and race day.

Day One (Again)

January 21, 2016 was my most recent day one. I have struggled through many years of yo-yo dieting and binge eating and I have had many “Day One(s)” in my lifetime.

December 26, 2011 was another very memorable day one. I had just binged my way through the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. I hated the way I felt and the way I looked. I knew that I needed to change. So, I did what I thought was the most reasonable thing to do: I drove down to the local nutrition store and purchased a supplement. It was a supplement to suppress appetite and give me energy. It worked, very very well.

The combination of this little purple pill and cleaning up my nutrition and consistent exercise I lost 86 pounds in 8 months. During this time I went MONTHS without a binge. Bingeing wasn’t even a temptation. I felt on top of the world. Then towards the end of 2012 word came out that the pill was being banned in the US due to supplement related deaths.

Over the past four years I have struggled with my weight and binge eating. The bingeing did not come back immediately, but it would come on a little at a time. Fast forward 4 years and I have gained a little over 60 pounds back and my binge eating is just as bad as it ever was.

Medical Options

I have done plenty of research on weight loss surgery over the past several months. Everything I have read was indicating that I would be a good candidate for weight loss surgery. BMI over 40 for the past 5 years, constant yo-yo dieting, binge eating, etc. I think the idea of weight loss surgery was my “fall back plan”. Since this was always in the back of my mind, I think that this caused me to binge even more over the past 6 months or so. January 21, 2016 I checked my insurance to see if weight loss surgery was covered and what the out of pocket cost would be. What I found out was devastating. Absolutely no coverage. Not even a dime. My fall back plan was not a feasible fall back plan.

January 21, 2016 will be my last day one.

Today is January 22, 2016 and I have been binge free for one day. I started out my day at 4:15 AM with a trip to the gym for a date with the treadmill. I did a walk run combination for 30 minutes.

 

I have counted calories in the past and I have become a slave to the scale in the past. I will track what I’ve eaten and my progress on the scale, but I will not let these two things define success. I am more concerned with overcoming binge eating and consistency working out at this stage in my journey. When I find success on these two areas of my life, the scale and weight loss will follow.

Welcome :)

I am starting this blog as a way to journal my journey to overcoming binge eating. This is not a blog where I am trying to push products or certain fad diets. I am simply documenting the challenges and victories I face while taking my binge eating and morbid obesity head on.

 

Starting this blog was an extremely spontaneous decision. This idea came to me tonight while I was folding clothes and here I am. So, this is a work in progress. I plan on sharing my some thoughts on my days (the good, the bad, and the ugly). I also will share some of the recipes that work for our busy family of 5. I will try to share some of the workouts I do.

 

Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read .