Silence

I have been silent for the past 2 weeks or so. I have been stuck in my typical pattern of binge for 2-3 days, get on track for 4-5 days and then binge again. I hate it, and that is putting it mildly. 

I was able to drive up north for my uncle’s funeral last weekend. I am not sure what it is, but there is something about funerals that make me want to live life better. I want to be a better mom, wife, but possibly most importantly I want to be better to myself. I have been walking around with this intense hatred for myself over the past 6-12 months. I hate where I have let my health go to. I hate this path of destruction I’ve been on. 

At the same time, though I am reminded how great my life is. I have an amazing husband and a healthy family. Financially we are doing well and working to pay off some debt. have a job that I enjoy (most days) and the team that I work with is amazing. Sometimes I think I need to remind myself of all of the things that I am grateful for so that I can keep on improving myself. 

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My Van

It may be a little strange writing about my van on this blog, but it came to me this afternoon while listening to a podcast. The discussion was about breaking the binge patterns and it occurred to me that A LOT of my binges occur in my van.

My van does not lie. It can almost with 100% accuracy tell if I have been on a binge. I have a 45 minute commute each morning and when in a binge I will stop for some sugar laden goodies in the morning to stuff my face as I am driving. I don’t want to bring this trash into work, so the “evidence” of my binge usually stays in my van until I clean it out.

This thought occurred to me this weekend while I was in the middle of my binge, but I didn’t think much of it until this afternoon. In an attempt to break this binge cycle I am going to stop eating in the van. That doesn’t mean that I can’t carry food in my van until I reach my destination, but by not eating in the van will take some of the secrecy out of the food I would normally consume in the van.

 

Heartfelt Gratitude

I wanted to thank everyone who graciously commented on my last post. I was very disappointed in myself last night and the out pouring of support was very touching. Today was much better. I was able to break my bingeing cycle and tracked all of my foods. I am even going to the gym tonight. These are all things I did not do in the past couple of days.

Overwhelm

The struggle with overwhelm is very real today. I want to do so much, I want to discover who I believe I am capable of being. However, I know that in order to do that effectively I need to take this slow with slow, calculated, and small baby steps.

I want to overcome binge eating, but I also want to lose weight and feel comfortable in my body again. In my heart I know I need to focus on the binge eating by itself first, but lately I have found that is a challenge. Up until almost a week ago I have either been 100% on or 100% off on my eating plan. Right now, I am tracking what I eat. However, I have my tracking app set to lose 1/2 pound per week. This gives me a lot of margin, compared to what I am used to when I track my food. Right now I am at about 1930 calories per day and I am 5 days binge free.

In the world of extreme weight loss it is hard to take this so slow. I keep reminding myself that the slower I take this and the more intentional I am the more I will be able to sustain this for the rest of my life. I had joined two weight loss challenges at the beginning of the year 1) 4-week Diet Bet led by Chris & Heidi Powell and 2) a 12 week weight loss challenge sponsored by our local YMCA. The weigh out for the Diet Bet is next Monday and I know I am most likely losing my bet, unless I lose 9 pounds in the next 5 days.

I am extremely proud of the consistency I have had in the past several days. Consistency with no binge, consistency with tracking ALL of my food, and consistency with exercising.  Somehow I have managed to lose about two pounds in the past week. I have still gone out to eat and have even had a dessert or two (without bingeing). This past week has been very helpful in figuring out what some of my binge triggers are. I have started to notice when the slope starts to get slippery. I know overcoming binge eating will be a life long struggle for me, but I think I am on the right track.

Last night I was able to get a workout in while my daughter had swimming lessons at the YMCA. I ran a mile on the treadmill and spent 15 minutes on the elliptical. I need to start a stretching regimen before working out. My calves especially were bugging me during my workout last night.

Today will be a rest day. I’m kind of looking forward to it!

Idle Hands

I am very nervous about today. I am home with a sick kid. In the past this has been a license to binge. This would normally be brought on by exhaustion and stress. I have a plan in place and am optimistic that I will be able to make this my fourth binge free day. I have just finished my protein rich breakfast and am chugging my water. I have learned that protein and water make a big difference in keeping my appetite in check which in turns helps me avoid binges.

I did make the time this morning to get a workout in. I spent 50:00 on the Arc Trainer while watching one of my favorite shows “Chicago Med”.

Best Laid Plans

This morning is Sunday and I set my alarm for 5:30AM so that I could get to the gym for a work out before heading to church with the family. Last week my running intervals were 2:15 walk and 0:45 run, and today my plan was to move it to 2:00 walk and 1:00 run for 30 minutes followed by 20:00 of strength training. I was doing pretty well until about minute 13 and I remembered that I had not used the restroom this morning before getting on the treadmill at the gym. I made it to 15:00 and then ran to the restroom narrowly avoiding an embarrassing  moment on the treadmill.

Afterwards I decided I would just use the 15:00 as a cardio warm up and spent the rest of my time at the gym strength training. I hadn’t done strength training in awhile, I forgot how exhausting it can be.

Now I am sitting at our kitchen table at home eating breakfast (2 cups of cabbage, 4 slices of bacon, and 2 eggs – delicious!!!). Today will be my third binge free day in a row.

Running

My husband runs. He has not always been a runner, but started running in January 2015 and fell in love with it. In 2015 he started running races. It started with a 5K, then he progressed to running some 10Ks and then finally a half marathon in November.

Last night we went out to dinner with a big group of his running friends from work and we had a great time. They are a very inclusive group of people and very non-judgemental. All running abilities are captured within this group of runners – everything from 5Ks to ultra marathoners.

I have had a love-hate relationship with running over the past 4 years or so. I really really want to be a runner. Though I have had issues with plantar fasciitis that has interrupted progress in the past. Combine that with moderate asthma and my inconsistent nutrition has resulted in very little consistent progress.

Well, I bit the bullet about a week ago and signed up for a 5K in April. My husband will be running a half marathon that same day. I have a lot of work to do in my training over the next 2 1/2 months or so, but I am confident I will finish. I may be walking and running the 5k, but I will finish.

Today is January 23rd, 2016 and I have been binge free for two days. This morning I went to the gym and ran 3.1 miles on the treadmill in 55:00 minutes or so. My goal is to finish the 5k in about 45:00 minutes. So, I have a lot of work to do. I am very optimistic that I will make great progress between now and race day.

Welcome :)

I am starting this blog as a way to journal my journey to overcoming binge eating. This is not a blog where I am trying to push products or certain fad diets. I am simply documenting the challenges and victories I face while taking my binge eating and morbid obesity head on.

 

Starting this blog was an extremely spontaneous decision. This idea came to me tonight while I was folding clothes and here I am. So, this is a work in progress. I plan on sharing my some thoughts on my days (the good, the bad, and the ugly). I also will share some of the recipes that work for our busy family of 5. I will try to share some of the workouts I do.

 

Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read .