Silence

I have been silent for the past 2 weeks or so. I have been stuck in my typical pattern of binge for 2-3 days, get on track for 4-5 days and then binge again. I hate it, and that is putting it mildly. 

I was able to drive up north for my uncle’s funeral last weekend. I am not sure what it is, but there is something about funerals that make me want to live life better. I want to be a better mom, wife, but possibly most importantly I want to be better to myself. I have been walking around with this intense hatred for myself over the past 6-12 months. I hate where I have let my health go to. I hate this path of destruction I’ve been on. 

At the same time, though I am reminded how great my life is. I have an amazing husband and a healthy family. Financially we are doing well and working to pay off some debt. have a job that I enjoy (most days) and the team that I work with is amazing. Sometimes I think I need to remind myself of all of the things that I am grateful for so that I can keep on improving myself. 

Improving

My week has gotten considerably better. The funeral for my uncle will be next weekend and I have made arrangements to travel up north for the funeral. 

I have not binged this week. Yesterday I could feel the “want” to binge coming on, but I did not give in. 

My employer has a rather robust wellness program. This week they announced that they will be footing the bill for a 12-week comprehensive nutrition and weight loss program run by certified nutritionists. I’m a little skeptical, but I figure what could it hurt. I have my body composition analyzed on Tuesday, but the actual program doesn’t start until mid-March. 

I had my second training run tonight. It was tougher than the first but I finished it!!  

   
My husband is taking me running shoe shopping on Saturday for Valentines Day. I’ve already selected which ones I want we just need to purchase them. 

I am a little worried about the weekend. The weekend seems to be a time that makes it easier to binge. 

Mondays 

This has by far been one of the worst Monday’s I have had in awhile. I am not going to go into great detail, but just about everything that could go wrong today has. 

My dad called me over lunch to let me know that my uncle (my mom’s brother) died from a heart attack this morning. 

He called me while I was stopping at home “quick” to let he guys that are finishing the drywall in our basement into our house (we are in the middle of a basement project – building a bedroom, office, and bathroom in our unfinished basement). I had no time to spare. Then when I got in my van to head back to work the garage door wouldn’t shut. It still won’t shut. 

After work I was able to sneak in my first 5k training run. My ankles and heels were screaming at me the entire time, but I got it done. I think I need new running shoes.  

 
Then I had parent teacher conferences for child #1 and then run back home with about 10 minutes to spare before it was time for parent teacher conferences for child #2. On the way to the second round of conferences I narrowly missed being in a head on collision with someone driving on the wrong side of the highway. 

My nerves are on high alert and I am extremely emotional right now, BUT I DID NOT BINGE. Honestly I can hardly believe it. It was almost like I was too busy to even be tempted by it. I’m not saying that is the answer, but I will take this small victory. 

There were some other important lessons learned today, but I am saving those for another blog post later this week after I’ve had some time to process everything that has happened today. 

I hope you all had a good start to the week. Tuesday has got to be an improvement!!

Weekend

This morning my time hop gave me a reminder of how I’ve struggled with my weight and binge eating over the past three years.  

 
It kind of makes me sad. It also motivates me. But I also know that I have to love and accept myself at 238 pounds so that I will accept myself through this entire journey. 

Today was a good day. I tracked all of my food and got 30 minutes on the elliptical. Yesterday and Friday, not so much. Though I’m not calling it a binge. Just some food decision that aren’t really weight loss friendly. 

Live made the following goals for this week:

1) 2 servings of fruit and 2 servings of vegetables

2) Start training program for the 5k I am registered to run in April

3) Finish the week binge free.   

I wish everyone a happy and productive week!

My Van

It may be a little strange writing about my van on this blog, but it came to me this afternoon while listening to a podcast. The discussion was about breaking the binge patterns and it occurred to me that A LOT of my binges occur in my van.

My van does not lie. It can almost with 100% accuracy tell if I have been on a binge. I have a 45 minute commute each morning and when in a binge I will stop for some sugar laden goodies in the morning to stuff my face as I am driving. I don’t want to bring this trash into work, so the “evidence” of my binge usually stays in my van until I clean it out.

This thought occurred to me this weekend while I was in the middle of my binge, but I didn’t think much of it until this afternoon. In an attempt to break this binge cycle I am going to stop eating in the van. That doesn’t mean that I can’t carry food in my van until I reach my destination, but by not eating in the van will take some of the secrecy out of the food I would normally consume in the van.

 

Heartfelt Gratitude

I wanted to thank everyone who graciously commented on my last post. I was very disappointed in myself last night and the out pouring of support was very touching. Today was much better. I was able to break my bingeing cycle and tracked all of my foods. I am even going to the gym tonight. These are all things I did not do in the past couple of days.

Struggle.

I have been quiet over the past few days. I have stumbled big time and I am very disappointed in myself. Since Saturday at lunch I have stumbled into several days of overeating and periodic bingeing. I have not tracked my food. I have not exercised. As a result these feeling of regret and anger are swirling around me. Why is this such a real problem for me?

I feel that the time has come for some external help. I am trying to use this blog as a way to provide some level of accountability. However, I think I need something more of a reciprocal accountability. Meaning, if I go quiet I think I need someone to check in on me and keep me accountable. I have looked into OA, but the times and locations for the meetings do not work out with my schedule. So, I have been contemplating joining TOPs. I just feel like I need some in person accountability.

Is there anyone out there who has struggled with binge eating/emotional overeating and has had success in conquering it without the use of weight loss surgery? I would really like to hear your story. Even if it is just a comment below. I am feeling a little hopeless right now. Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with food?